In Introspect...

Its time to delve into what this journey of growth will entail for me. What fires must I pass through to come out forged into a more iron-willed being on the other side?Ultimately, I want to be a sounder individual; healthier in more ways than one.Yes, I want to shed unwanted pounds, but I must also shed the spiritual weights of my past, of my faults, and of the things I allow to hold me back. I will not be completely consumed by these things. These are not the whole of my person. They are things I have experienced, things I have been, and parts of what I have become, but they are not the bottom line and I refuse to let them take that role. I had vowed this to myself about 5 years ago, and the steps I have taken since then have brought me far, but the public format of this blog, ( I soon hope it gains a wide enough readership to be VERY public) will provide accountability to someone other than myself. I can sometimes make denials and excuse to me and to my family, but I am expecting my readers to be able to see through it if I try that with them!
To these ends, I am looking at me a lot more closely, and here are some things I want to weed out of the garden of my habits:
1. Lack of confidence. I allow this to paralyze me from taking actions that could only propel me forward because I have no faith in my own abilities when it comes to certain things. This is ridiculous in light of all i have accomplished so far!
2. Lack of follow-through. I find so many things interesting and fascinating, but it is so hard to follow through on some of them! I really need to taper it down to a manageable level of tasks I can keep up with instead of spreading myself so thinly that I am not performing adequately at any one thing. When that happens, I tend to throw my hands in the air and walk away. (All this from the woman who is now starting a blog, right?)
3. I cling to people who have no business in my life, and burn bridges to those who are good for me! (Can anyone say bi-polar self-destruct button?!)
4. I have allowed myself to stagnate in my career path for the last few months. I work for a wonderful company that truly rewards all my efforts and has great potential for advancement, but I have stopped researching and continuing my horticultural self-education on the side! I need to get back on track there because I truly see myself being with this company for the long haul, but only if I am as valuable to their core staff as the company has been to me in my growth.


There are other aspects of me that could use some tweaking, but we will come back to these later. In the meantime, look for my next post, where I will enthrall you with the saga of my diet research!

Getting Started

The catalyst for my internal combustion (the ashes of which I will emerge victorious from, dammit!) is my 10 year High School Reunion, scheduled for the first weekend in October of this year. No, its not an original thought process...a woman nearing 30 who has had children and/or gained weight since high school feeling obligated to drop some pounds before seeing the old crowd again. And I have always thought of myself as an original type of person, but obviously if I am in this position in the first place, it is because I have fallen into a cliched quicksand of my own making. Yes, I am ensconced in my own cloak of trite, overweight misery. But before you decide you cannot read another word without losing your appetite, may I at least point out that this isn't ALL about vanity? I have been overcome and overwhelmed by a series of health issues in the last 18 months, and all signs point to "yes...what do ya know? carrying an extra 35 pounds does affect you!" Huh..I am shocked to learn that my excess subcutaneous fat is a contributing factor in my pre-diabetic condition, my aching joints, and my new favorite:the recurring inflammation of my chest wall. To be fair, a high level of stress is also partially responsible, and also primarily self-induced.
And now, I want to take action. I am pumping my spiritual fist at the sky and declaring "I will not keep self-sabotaging!" Because ultimately, that is the problem. I have a slight history of self-sabotage. (I tend to understate some things and for those who already know me you are well aware this is one of those times.)Inter-personal and intimate relationships, jobs, advanced education, and many other opportunities... I've destroyed them all! (Hey, everyone has to have a hobby.) It has lessened with the arrival of each child to the point where the one pit of self-destruction I still allow myself to dive into is bad health. Poor eating habits, inconsistent levels of exercise, and yo-yoing back and forth on prescription medications for depression have not been left behind with the ease that manic spending, constant volcanic eruptions at those who care about me, and spontaneous unintelligent major life changes were. I can say no to a $10 clearance pair of Steve Madden shoes the way I could not 3 years ago, but I still eat the same way I did 3 years ago!
I am going to change for the better by any means necessary, but having my personal struggles publicized in blog form will be a motivating tool I have never employed before, but a powerful one none the less.