The catalyst for my internal combustion (the ashes of which I will emerge victorious from, dammit!) is my 10 year High School Reunion, scheduled for the first weekend in October of this year. No, its not an original thought process...a woman nearing 30 who has had children and/or gained weight since high school feeling obligated to drop some pounds before seeing the old crowd again. And I have always thought of myself as an original type of person, but obviously if I am in this position in the first place, it is because I have fallen into a cliched quicksand of my own making. Yes, I am ensconced in my own cloak of trite, overweight misery. But before you decide you cannot read another word without losing your appetite, may I at least point out that this isn't ALL about vanity? I have been overcome and overwhelmed by a series of health issues in the last 18 months, and all signs point to "yes...what do ya know? carrying an extra 35 pounds does affect you!" Huh..I am shocked to learn that my excess subcutaneous fat is a contributing factor in my pre-diabetic condition, my aching joints, and my new favorite:the recurring inflammation of my chest wall. To be fair, a high level of stress is also partially responsible, and also primarily self-induced.
And now, I want to take action. I am pumping my spiritual fist at the sky and declaring "I will not keep self-sabotaging!" Because ultimately, that is the problem. I have a slight history of self-sabotage. (I tend to understate some things and for those who already know me you are well aware this is one of those times.)Inter-personal and intimate relationships, jobs, advanced education, and many other opportunities... I've destroyed them all! (Hey, everyone has to have a hobby.) It has lessened with the arrival of each child to the point where the one pit of self-destruction I still allow myself to dive into is bad health. Poor eating habits, inconsistent levels of exercise, and yo-yoing back and forth on prescription medications for depression have not been left behind with the ease that manic spending, constant volcanic eruptions at those who care about me, and spontaneous unintelligent major life changes were. I can say no to a $10 clearance pair of Steve Madden shoes the way I could not 3 years ago, but I still eat the same way I did 3 years ago!
I am going to change for the better by any means necessary, but having my personal struggles publicized in blog form will be a motivating tool I have never employed before, but a powerful one none the less.
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